I'm Drunk and pissed (and depressed)

How does this happen? 10 days later and I am still bitter. People get to go on with their lives and mine feels stuck in time. Part of me wants to give up and go ahead with exposing this school and the freaks that run it and other times I feel close enough to just finish. I know the right thing to do.......... You know what I hate most...is the fact that I will probably have the same instructors as last time and knowing my luck, I will get them for clinical. The one for Labor and Delivery is descent, it's the chain smoking bitch that makes everyone feel like shit in the hospital that I hate (sorry if this is repetitive). Also, you know how hard you have worked and the fact that you have to write more papers, more presentations, more time...no one wants to endure. Anyone who has been through a program, jumped through many hoops, put up with alot of bureaucratic  bullshit and kissed people's asses just to get by and pretended that you like some of your classmates only because you had to do presentations with them (sorry run on sentence), knows what I am talking about. I am only glad about starting over again with , hopefully, a class that is less worried about being clicky and cut throat and more worried about the task at hand and willing to help their fellow students which I can't say for the professors.  I know that this is a work in progress and everything will probably be fine. I am such a lucky person to still be in this position, having great, supportive friends, a fiance that loves me for who I am and will support me through any situation, and I would not trade that for anything.

One point &?#!

I'm not sure either to be happy or smack the faces of my third semester instructors. "It's just a little bleep in the big scheme of things", thats what some students (who passed) are calling and telling me. I understand what they are saying, but for right now I just want to be angry. I tried my yoga class yesterday to try to "let it go", it might be too early for that,  I need a couple more days and a couple more beers. I am among 2 other students who could not continue on to 4th semester and therefore have to repeat the last 9 weeks due to one point ; and if we are soooo lucky to be excepted back into the program by god herself , I can try this again and start where I left off.  Our overall grade was 74.4% and you need 75%.  Is this really meant to be? Maybe I am supposed to repeat this rotation because I enjoyed it most of all? 

 I have constantly complained about the other students that I have been with since last Jan., careful what you wish for. 

Now what. I wait for a phone call from my program director "the woman behind the curtain" so I can make an appointment to come in and discuss my options. This process of jumping through hoops is driving me crazy. You would think that with hard work and a good reputation, there is no need to worry, but that's how they have trained us........to worry.

The plan...to start back in August to repeat this 9 weeks and then have 9 wks off to get ready for 4th semester in jan. and hopefully graduate in May.  Total Joke!!!

Summer!!!!!school

Well, the first semester is over.  Passed with a solid B, thats all I could ask for at this point, don't want to over achieve, yet.  Its kind of funny as you get close to the end of a semester.  People start leaving you alone, they stop bugging you so much, your concentrating on finals, tying up loose ends and hell, you stop giving a shit.  I found out that my hospital group has changed a bit, switched out a couple of young punks for some oldies but goodies, these are the ones I get along with obviously.  Not sure it we are going to encounter a nazi type teacher or not, but keep those fingers crossed.  

I love getting yelled at

Well, its been almost a month.  Things are going a little smoother (this week).  summer is almost here and I won't have to see these so called classmates for a while.  I have also been fortunate to be graced with another instructor, who by the way, is not moody.  Who knew that nursing school could be so much easier when you have an instructor who doesn't yell or roll her eyes at you while you are trying to learn.  My favorite, though is when all these people in my clinical group try to talk to me and ask for help during rotation after being too cool s***heads at school.  If you are in program or you once went through a program like this, you know exactly what I am talking about; if you don't know, you are or you were one of these s***heads.  Most of my patients have been somewhat decent.  Most have had surgery like gallbladder removals and prostate removals; one was blind, renal failure and did not speak any english-this was a bit challenging;  but my favorite was a patient with dementia, contractures, decubs all over his backside, DM,  and never wanted to be touched.  Every time I needed to do something for him he would yell help, don't touch me, tell me to F off, get my goddamn hands off him.  Only when I needed to feed him, he was fine.  I never thought I would get yelled at by a patient before an instructor. Anyways, everything else has been ok, I keep my distance except for the few people I call cool in my class.  With this last patient, I did my first tube feeding for medications and my first accu-check.  I was pretty exciting even though the patient didn't think so.  so long for now

And then the Nursing Home

Week 6 of the program was the dreaded week for me.  It meant that we were going to the nursing home to start our rotation.  

No wonder some programs don't include these facilities in their clinicals; it's so depressing. Then you watch how much work the CNA's do (they will never be paid enough) and you want to help them as much as you want to help your own patients.  In case you read this and have no idea what a CNA does, I'll tell you.  Feed, Wipe, Clean, Dress, Change bed and repeat for the next 8 hours.

I tried to encourage every CNA and LVN to continue their education and become an RN but wait, who would be the CNA;     S***!.        I counted down the days and pretended like each patient was my grandma; except for that guy I had.  

When I went to lecture that week of clinical, I started to find out that life was not so bad for me.  I, evidently, have one of the least moody instructors;  in fact, I learned that she is super nice at the nursing home.  She doesn't yell at us in front of patients  and she actually lets us talk to the CNA's and the other nurses, imagine that.  I heard that "Nazi's" group couldn't talk to anyone but their patients, which is unfortunate because a lot of those patients couldn't even talk.  

This nursing program is hard enough, why drag all that yelling into it.  I have come to the conclusion that "Nazi" is pissed off at someone and she's anal; whoa, what a lethal combo.

I am sad to say, that those days are over and I am getting ready to go to another clinical rotation...............Tomorrow.

Who the hell are these people!%#!

Nobody warned me about how shallow people could be in a program that attracts so many that want to help others.  This nursing program is just like high school; it's clicky, competitive (you would think we are all fighting for the same job) and full of judgmental people.  Shame on me for being so naive.  

There's definitely some age gaps but I was hoping for a little more maturity.  It's weird, one day they will talk to me and next they won't; probably because they either want something or they just have to know what score I got on my latest test.  

A couple of times after the first week of school, I have questioned my ability to stay in this program and deal with all this.  I realize everyday that this kind of nasty attitude makes me work harder to succeed because I feel like those are the people that want to see you fail.

And these instructors!  Do they honestly believe that students learn better by being yelled at and humiliated at clinical?  I don't give a s*** if thats how they learned; didn't they think at some point while someone was yelling at them, "hey, when I grow up to be an instructor, I won't yell at my students because I don't like to be yelled at"?  (They couldn't have possibly liked to be yelled at, could they?)  Quick someone give them a Prozac!

I hope I don't sound too bitter; I just don't put up with this s***.

The Start of a New Me

The first day.  I didn't even make it to the car and the tears started.  I can't remember the last time I was that overwhelmed.  I have never had an anxiety attack but this is what I imagined it to be like, can't breath, can't catch my breath, panic mode, want to erase what just happened that day. 

I cried everyday for the next week.  I couldn't believe the load; my life was changing and I probably wasn't prepared for it and probably never would be.  Almost 3 months into this program, I believe you just have to be pushed in.  At least, that's what it felt like.  I just went with it.

By the second week, I wasn't crying anymore.